Life updates: Finally got a sewing machine. It's different from the ones I've used in the past, so I'm learning some new stuff. First order of business was sewing a test square, then I quickly put the pocket back in a lil skirt made from an old pair of sweatpants (I'm not actually finished with it. I need to add ruffles to the bottom of it.) I'll post a pic when I'm finished.

Next I'll be modding an old parody t-shirt I used to wear. I'll definitely share a pic of it too when I'm finished.
I also got a really nice lil day planner with the help of Amazon giftcard. ^_^ Yay, love presents!
I wanted something that could withstand the test of time, but I also wanted something cheaper to spare giftcard funds. I opted for a Filofax as I've heard good things, but I also opted for a plain one. It will be dedicated to: finances, shopping, & medical info/appointments.

With the leftover funds, I grabbed a cheap big bundle of melamine foam rectangles. If you don't know what that is, you probably know it by the name "Mr. Clean Magic Eraser". Seriously, don't buy brand name. All you are paying for is the fancy name and nice packaging.

When I went to the Rheumy recently, I also found a nice big binder to use for organising my days/the housework I'm capable of/social life (yes, I still have a social life, sort of...) I found it when I stopped into a dept store, and they had a section of clearanced stationary items. I got this binder for only $5.00 (rounding up). It is "Mead Pro Platinum - 1 ¹⁄₂" binder + interior expanding file".

In medical news:

It's still proving next to impossible to get that damn Rheumy to take me seriously. I'm trying to be strong and positive, but sometimes it hurts so much I'm convinced I'm dying, or that I'd be better off dead. I have to be so careful of things, because various joints bend further back than they should, like my elbow... my right arm sometimes slips and hangs off the bed at night, and when that happens the elbow bends back too far, and I sometimes end up with a 'stuck' elbow. Usually though, it's just a terrible soul-wrenching pain...

IDK... the doctors are such gatekeepers of health... it feels like they are standing in my way of getting healthier. They keep doubting me, gaslighting me to the point that now I doubt myself. I became convinced for a time that maybe I wasn't really hypermobile, that maybe my past diagnosis was wrong. But, then I end up overly bendy, wobbly, and slipping out in various places.

I put off going to the doctor now.

I have such a fear of going to the doctor... any doctor.

Just thinking about going, thinking about doctors visits is stressful. I can feel my heart beating faster, and I am growing more nervous - so I need to focus on anything but that.

I'm just so exhausted with doctors insinuating that I'm lying about my self-care, about what I eat, and what I do with my days.

I'm especially tired of the ones who feel completely in the right with mocking my weight/looks, and blaming that for ALL my health problems. I could come in with a missing limb and they'd tell me to "try a diet!" IF YOU ARE A DOCTOR OR PLANNING TO BE ONE: Weight gain can be a symptom of an illness. Stop jumping to the belief that weight gain is the cause of illnesses.

I'm exhausted with doctors.

The Hippocratic oath has become the Hypocrites oath.

I'm going to end up dying from something ridiculously preventable.

Welcome to the U.S.A. - We're # DEADLAST - woohoo! :-(

Reminder to tell doctors: I had a mild seizure in my sleep on Sept 30 2014 - 9:40am - It woke me, and I just had to ride it out.

When I had seizures like this as a child, my parents refused to take me to a doctor. Things they thought, when I told them about my symptoms (I never used the word "seizure", because I was just a kid and didn't even have a clue about myself having seizures. I said I was shaking all over and couldn't prevent it.):

At one point they were convinced I was just making it up for attention (because every child wants to be noticed by the very people that keep confusing them with a piñata)

Mom became convinced it was DA DEVIL, and that it was coming and making my bed shake, and that it was proof that I was a "bad seed" (when I was very little, she used to tell me horrid things about how I was the spawn of satan - charming things to tell a child at bedtime)

At a certain point they just decided I was "crazy" and wanting to make them miserable too with my imaginings

This was my childhood experience.

This was how I navigated illness growing up.

I'm still feeling a bit sick, but my abdomen is much improved.
I'm not quite sure what to do about the damage to the skin... Maybe that will heal given time as well? Right now I'm just moisturising often and hoping that will help.

About Cellulitis 

I'm looking at some changes that are needing to be made around the home... and I just don't see them going over too well with the roomies family.He keeps thinking that if we make it clear how my health and safety depends on these changes, they'll be willing to make the changes; but honestly, they weren't willing to make other changes to ensure my health and safety in the past.
Cleanliness is immensely important, to make sure there is no repeat of this. My roomie has his own health issues to contend with, so it's beyond ridiculous to expect him to look after me, his *brother, and his dad ... especially considering those two are abled and healthy. They need to stop wrecking the kitchen, learn to wash their own dishes, learn to clean their rooms, learn to help clean the living room. The dad I give a bit of leeway to regarding him wanting to lay around during the weekends, because he does work. The roomie doesn't have gainful employment, but he does most of the cleaning here, most of the cooking, most of the laundry, has to keep up with everyone's appointments and the like - all with his own unique medical challenges.
I try to help where I can, but I keep getting knocked down by my chronic illnesses, or getting my rear kicked out of left field by random things like cellulitis. It all just generally sucks. I'm getting past wanting a home that looks nice, and now I just want one that isn't full of germs and bacteria.

*I'm also incredibly fed up with people being jealous of the fact that I don't (they fail to realise I am unable to) work. Holy shit, I'm envious of the fact they aren't sick and unable to work.

I am wanting to donate my body to medical research. Hell, maybe I'll finally get a diagnosis! Sure, I'll be dead, but it means I'll definitely be justified in having the words, "told you I was sick," engraved on the marker of the plot my mom bought years ago. I'll even allow a small vial of my ashes to be given to family so they can sprinkle it over that grave. (This is also cost effective, on top of helping medical science, plus hopefully will contribute to me getting a final snark on everyone who refused to take me seriously.)

I'm tired of always being sick, exhausted, and in pain.

I want to start knitting a new hat, but all I seem to have energy for lately are these bows that I stuff and mount on either barrettes or headbands. IDK, I just feel so depressed all the time. I keep thinking that if I make it clear enough times that I'm needing somebody to care, that one of my friends or family will care. It doesn't work.

It never works.

So either they are so self-centered they don't notice, or they are such terrible people that they do notice but they just don't care. I always say, "This is it, I'm tired of being treated this way. I'm through doing things for them. Next time one of them asks me to do something, I'm saying NO!" However, it never works out that way. I have the hardest time saying "no". I always feel obligated to do what my friends or family wants me to do, and that's another part of the reason I'm always so miserable. Because I give give give, but all they do is take. I feel so empty now, as if I have nothing left to give. I just want to sleep. I want to escape. This world is ugly and hateful. Why can't everyone just be kind???

So I'll start using this blog more often. I want it to be the place where I mainly do my knitting yapping. I am certain my friends on FB & other sites are rather, um, tbh, BORED with hearing me talk about terms they aren't interested in learning.

Another thing about this blog, I think it'll help me get more active in the knitting community, so I can learn faster. Trying to do everything on my own has been failing me so hardcore.

Fair warning to all who knit, I will post the occasional personal post that can be quite angst ridden. I have a diagnosis of bipolar, but lately I've been questioning it. I have a lot of various health problems, so I've been diagnosed with a lot of things. I'm wanting to get some second & third opinions to make sure I don't have less conditions that just have many symptoms that mimic other health problems.

As a child I was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, due to obvious arthritic problems with multiple organ involvement, plus an elevated SED rate. Later, I got better, & another doctor declared the diagnosis invalid & said I was just "hyper flexible", & basically told me my only health problem was that I was a fat ass. I was still a kid, and probably only 20 to 30 lbs overweight for my age & height at the time. I cycle through odd flare-ups with arthritic pains, muscle aches, a weird rash, dry eyes, & other problems. I've been told I have THE FATS, that I have eczema/psoriasis/allergies regarding the rash. The eyes have been attributed to allergies or just simple "dry eyes". I also tend to break out in a blister-y rash with sun exposure, which I've been told everything from "it's an allergy to the sun" to "don't lay out in the sun". ... Like I'd lay out in the sun... Anyway, I get incredibly fatigued often, so I sleep a lot when these flare ups happen. A LOT.

Right now I'm having a flare up. I'm trying to stay on top of my knitting, but I hurt, bad, & I'm constantly exhausted. I feel weak. If I can't make a grand post, I'll at least do quick updates about what I'm working on with my knitting, & how my health is doing.

These posts may sometimes be voice posts due to the fact that I can't type sometimes. When the knuckle pains get too bad, I don't want to do any typing/knitting/anything that takes a lot of finger-work.

Until then, I need to get back to work on my Brunello Cardigan. Arg...

-Like everyone here looks THROUGH me-
Like I was never even here
Like I will never matter

sometimes...
I know there is nothing wrong with me,
but most of the time I feel worthless.
sometimes...
I have this great sense of self-image,
but the smallest things can eradicate that.

So most of the time, I feel ugly, stupid, awkward.
So most of the time, I doubt everything about me.
So most of the time, I just want to die, so it'll stop.

And I do wonder - would they notice me if I were dead? Would they love me then? Would they show up at my funeral, finally saying sweet words? :-( I wouldn't know it if they did, but at least I'd no longer be suffering either... I'm so fucking lonely here... I just want to sleep ;_;