The other day, I got a wild urge to start knitting mary jane style slippers to wear around the house. I never could find house slippers for sale that I liked the look of or the feel of. The ones that I did like were too expensive. I finally decided I'd just knit my own pair. Thus far, it's been quite the pain to knit. I kept misunderstanding the pattern. I have a lot of trouble with comprehension these days. I don't know what is causing it... Can epilepsy or the medication cause problems with comprehension? How about fibromyalgia? Bah... Still, I finally got things sorted with the pattern, thanks to help from my friend M--, and now the first slipper is almost complete. I'm going to knit the other one before bothering with the straps, or the buttons. I want to find some buttons that would be especially cute with the slippers.

 In medical news, for me... The trembling in my hands has been getting worse. I spoke to my rheumatologist about it when I went to see her recently, but she said it isn't a side effect of either medication. So now I have to make an appointment with my regular doctor, find out what, if any, tests there are that they can do. The odd thing is, so long as I keep busy with typing, knitting, strumming my fingers, brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, etc, my hands don't tremble. It's when I'm sitting there, relaxed, or when I extend my arms in front of me. It's more pronounced in the right hand, which I don't understand. When it first started, it was just my index finger, over time it spread to the middle finger. Before I knew it, it was the whole hand, and now the left hand as well. The doctor is calling it "essential tremor" until we know for sure what it is caused by.


I'm taking yoga back up, for various reasons. One, my doctor recommended it to help with joint pains, but I think it will also help with stress. Two, I have been having a lot of trouble with my muscles too, and I forgot to mention it to the rheumatologist. They have gotten progressively stiffer over time... painfully so. :-( I can't even have a happy healthy stretch anymore without tears coming to my eyes. Three, I'm hoping it'll help with my balance. I've started having weird issues with balance, and my right leg sometimes does this "freezing" thing, like it just decides on its own to stop working. This causes me to stumble a lot, and sometimes I fall. I hate admitting that at the hospital, because they make me wear all this color coded crap to signify that I am a "fall risk".


I feel ugly, gross, stupid, and like a general burden all the time these days. I just want to be healthy again, like when I was a kid. I know M-- says he doesn't mind me needing him to help so much, and I do pay him when I can afford it, but I feel bad because I can't afford more. I require so much care, and I hate that. I hate that I have to depend on others. I hate that I'm missing out on a lot of things, including things I really enjoy: cons, dressing in lolita fashion (I don't know how to do that, and still look graceful while hobbling pained with a cane, and randomly fainting.), buying new books to read, being able to afford nice things, etc.

The best thing in my life right now IS the knitting. It's rather zen-like, it doesn't cause me great pain, plus I get lovely items out of it.

Meh... Rest now. I feel ICK.