adventures in agoraphobia-land

Each night I make plans that the next day I'm totally going outside. That I'm going to at least go out there, work in the yard some, try and confront the world. Then that next day arrives, and I'm seized with this ridiculous paralyzing fear that leads to me making stupid excuses and procrastination.

I'm at the point that I only set foot outside to go to doctor appointments, and sometimes shopping. (I try to avoid the hospital, after my last few traumatizing experiences with insensitive idiots that work in the ER.)

Now I'm needing to start going to Mental Health, to address issues that I thought moving away would help get under control. It didn't work. I think that while I've been running away from various people and situations, in the hopes that I would magically get better, the real issue is that I completely lack ... well, what would be called "normal" coping skills.

I feel like I keep making things worse.
I want to live closer to an actual town, because I do realize I hate living out in the boonies, because it's hard for a shut-in to do any shopping except online.
At the same time, I want nothing more than to live somewhere by myself.
I despise that feeling of constantly running into people. I don't like making small talk. On the one hand, there are aspects of me that I would like to improve... but on the other, I'd rather just be left to my own devices. I'm not sure if I'm 100% ready yet to stop using my methods of coping.

I do have perfectly legit reasons to have a paralyzing fear, to be honest. I'm not going to go into them here, because there are stupid people who will belittle me for my issues, and I've even had one case where someone I thought was a friend insinuated I was lying for attention. It's frustrating to be female, because unless we have a male witness to our situation who is willing to speak up, a lot of people won't take us seriously. We live in such a disgusting Patriarchy, that we really do need a "male voice" to speak for us, simply so someone will listen. :-( I really envy the privilege men have, and even more so I envy how so many of them are clueless about this privilege.

Another nice thing about living in an actual town: I want to find what I consider a "safe zone" with a gym in walking distance. My doctors wanted me to go to physical rehab, but I can't. I don't drive (apparently in Ga I would have to be seizure-free for 6 months!), and they keep forcing me to lie to the doctors that their car is on the verge of breaking down, because D---- is lazy and would rather just play video games, surf the net, eat, then sleep. M--- finds making up lies easier and less humiliating than admitting we're all at the mercy of his brother. (M--- lost his license due to a really stupid issue too)

I'm just so tired of it all.
It's exhausting. I'm a *terrible* liar, and that's why I hate even bothering. I can't keep stories straight, I end up getting confused, and eventually it becomes so obvious. I just wish they'd let me be honest. The doctors are thinking I'm lazy.
(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻  Dammit, I'm the hyper one here. I'm the one that can't sit still, has no attention span, needs to stay busy!!! I get frustrated with everyone else, and messes, I can't tolerate messes! I have to keep cleaning and organizing... But the doctors don't see THAT...

Screw it. I can't sleep. I'm going to keep putting away laundry, then take a bath. If I have time before we go to the store, I'll organize the closet again. I like my clothes sorted by type and size.